Immanuel Kant was a real piss-ant who was very rarely stable.

 I am a lush, and one twelve-step meeting away from being an alcoholic. I never drank a drop until I was around 25 years old, when a co-worker introduced me to a proper pint of Guinness. 

Heideggar, Heideggar was a boozy beggar who could think you under the table.

 To my long-term ill health, I re-made the same discovery as many before had already done, which is that alcohol is the original and best nootropic in the world. A little bit of tipple, and I was writing better than I'd ever written before, having richer ideas and imagination than before, and feeling stronger and more profound emotions than before.

David Hume could out-consume Wilhelm Freidrich Hegel.

 Yet alcohol consumption has its price. For too long I went about it in the wrong way, drinking it at all times of the day and in dangerous excess. I didn't really realize I had a drinking problem until I discovered that I had gone through half a liter of vodka and didn't even feel buzzed.

And Whittgenstein was a beery swine who was just as sloshed as Schlegel.

 When I started going to doctors to figure out all the strange pains in my abdomen, I was busy rationalizing and explaining to myself what it couldn't be. Probably just ill-fitting pants, or a duodenal ulcer that could be cured with a few rounds of antibiotics.

There's nothing Nieizsche couldn't teach 'ya 'bout the raising of the wrist.

 Nope, it wasn't any of them. My liver was the just size of a house, that's all.

Socrates, himself, was permanently pissed.

 But one can enjoy a lifetime of drinking without being in danger of liver failure if one follows moderation and some simple rules. Drinking is beneficial on many levels, improving heart health as well as protecting against memory decline in old age. As Christopher Hitchens has said about his own habit, "I like to think that I get more out of alcohol than what it gets out of me."

John Stewart Mill, of his own free will, after half a pint of shandy was particularly ill.

 To enjoy the benefits of drinking, then, follow the rules below.

Plato, they say, could stick it away, half a crate of whiskey every day.

 1) Never drink before 6pm

Aristotle, Aristotle was a bugger for the bottle,

 2) Don't start drinking until about 30 minutes after dinner, so that you're neither drinking on an empty stomach, nor forced to drink too much to overcome the slower absorption caused by food

And Hobbes was fond of his Dram.

 3) Stick to wine. Spirits are better for getting smashed two or three times a year, but not as a regular habit

And Rene Descartes was a drunken fart:

 4) Drink it slowly. Take a sip, hold it on your tongue, roll it around (you will absorb some of the alcohol sublingually), and savor the taste before you swallow

"I drink, therefore I am."

 5) Drink with company, or with a book, or a pen and paper

Yes, Socrates himself is particularly missed;

 6) And don't drink more than 2 glasses a night. Drink 4 or more and you are officially Heavy Drinking, and one day you'll find that abdominal cramp won't go away

A lovely little thinker, but a bugger when he's pissed.